


Clarity

by Kannika



Category: Star Trek
Genre: Canon Temporary Character Death, Drabble, M/M, Star Trek: Into Darkness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-21
Updated: 2020-04-21
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:00:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23775760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kannika/pseuds/Kannika
Summary: Grief is a joining factor. So is hate.But Spock is alone.
Relationships: James T. Kirk & Spock, James T. Kirk/Spock
Comments: 2
Kudos: 39





	Clarity

**Author's Note:**

> Occasionally I just remember Star Trek: Into Darkness and am emotionally compromised. Anyone else?

Kirk is dead. 

Kirk is dead and Spock is reeling, Spock is aware of every nerve ending in his body, he can’t breathe even though he knows that empirically he must be and it’s such a bizarre feeling he can’t wrap his mind around it. His body is a contradiction that makes no logical sense. He’s furious and he’s so calm. He’s breaking but he feels like instead of a breaking apart, into nothingness, he’s becoming more than his skin can contain. 

He’s felt fury before, and he felt grief when his planet died in front of him and his mother disappeared before his outstretched hand, but never this clashing and merging of them into more. When his planet died the loss was so great it mostly made him numb and when he attacked Kirk he was blind with the pain searing through him. 

Together, he’s surprised he’s still standing, but he imagines it has something to do with the way everyone’s eyes turn to him. Authority. _Authority figures must assume command and not bow under the weight of even extreme emotions._ Textbook rules that don’t stand up under fire.

He’s not following a textbook. He’s following the beat of his own heart and Kirk’s hand slipping down the glass between them and not lifting again.

“Where is Khan?” He asks— feels himself ask. He’s not in control of anything. The movements are practiced and if he tips too far into his emotions, he’s going to crack.

“Too far to beam up,” Chekov says quietly. “But… I can beam you down.”

He’s seventeen, Spock remembers in a brief moment of clarity, maybe eighteen now. Barely an adult. Just a kid. Calmly, logically, suggesting the best way to kill the one who murdered their captain. Spock should be surprised, maybe. Should feel something about that contradiction.

But it’s not just his loss, and it’s not just his own hate and fury and grief that drives him off the bridge without a word and toward the transport. The entire crew practically radiates it. It pushes him, propels him. _Mob mentality is the reason why we must remain in control of our emotions. It drives rational people in groups to violence and irrational decisions._

He remembers when he thought emotions made humans inferior. His race seems to believe that calm and collected is the only way to accomplish things. Now he understands. The question is not why humans have done so much given their emotions, but why they haven’t done _everything in the universe_. Powered by purpose he is afraid of nothing. There is nothing to hold him back. No second thoughts. Not even a chance for failure. Nothing but Khan. Nothing but what he needs to accomplish.

He’s going to kill him. He’s going to kill him for the way that Kirk smiled at him as he was dying, how it feels like he’s tearing him in half when he remembers it. Ahura had made a small broken sound and curled in on herself, Scotty had looked like he was going to be sick, Bones had frozen with his eyes on him in shock, but Spock had felt like he was going supernova, brighter than the most powerful star. If he held it back he was going to die. If he doesn’t get rid of this energy by doing this now he is going to die, too. 

Violent. Potent. So searing, like the greatest fire, like when he thought he was going to die in the volcano, but instead of dying he feels so, so terribly alive. 

For Kirk. For Kirk, he can do this, he can do anything, and he’s full of such fury and grief and love but when he steps onto the platform with his gun in his hand, Spock is calm.


End file.
